Am I an Adulkt Yet?

I was queuing for my flat white yesterday. In my favourite place - Artisan - my local coffee shop.

I love coffee.

I don’t drink alcohol. I don’t smoke. I only eat protein these days.

But coffee is my vice.

I love the smell. I love the routine of it. I love the latte art. I love it all.

And my local coffee shop is full of friends.

The locals who I meet up with. The staff who all know me by now. The strangers whose lives I intrude upon.

Whenever I’m there, I chat. I give my dog a treat (she might love it there more than me). But most of all, I listen.

You could get ideas for songs. For books. For businesses. For newsletters (!?!), just by listening in your local coffee shop.

For instance, yesterday I heard a middle aged man say, “I feel like I’m only just on the brink of adulthood.”

And honestly? I feel the same. I think we all do—all the time, at any age.

But nobody says it.

Time to Grow Up?

You see there’s this expectation that one day, adulthood just clicks.

That at some point—maybe 18, maybe 25, maybe after buying a house or having a kid—you wake up and think, Yes, I've arrived. I am now a fully realised, competent, responsible adult.

Except… that moment never seems to come.

Sure, we check off the milestones. We get jobs, pay the bills, have kids, move half way across the country for love, perhaps?

But instead of feeling like we’ve reached some mythical state of “having it all,” we often feel like we’re just improvising.

Like we’re still waiting to feel like real adults while everyone else seems to have cracked the code.

So why does it feel like we’re forever standing at the door of adulthood but never quite stepping through? And more importantly—how do we learn to live with this feeling without constantly questioning ourselves?

The Illusion of “Having It All”

Here’s a secret: no one EVER fully feels like an adult.

Even the people who seem like they have their lives mapped out in five-year increments are making it up as they go along.

Psychologists call this imposter syndrome—the feeling that you’re just pretending to be competent while everyone else has things figured out.

But I think there’s a bigger, more universal experience here. It’s not just about work or expertise; it’s about life in general.

When we were kids, we assumed adulthood meant certainty.

We looked at grown-ups—our parents, teachers, older siblings—and thought they must know things we don’t. But then we got older and wiser and realised… they don’t.

They were winging it, too.

Even as we age, there’s always another level of “grown-up” ahead of us.

At 20, we think 30-year-olds have it together. At 30, we assume 40-year-olds must feel settled. At 50, we imagine our 60-year-old selves will finally have all the answers.

But at every stage, we’re all just figuring it out.

Why We Never Feel Like We’ve Arrived

There are a few reasons why this feeling sticks with us:

Adulthood isn’t a destination—it’s a moving target. There’s no single moment where you officially “become” an adult. You just keep adapting to new challenges. Every time you master one thing, a new, unfamiliar responsibility pops up.
We compare our inner chaos to others’ outer calm. Social media and casual conversations don’t show the full picture. We see people buying houses, getting promotions, and raising kids, but we don’t see their financial stress, self-doubt, or moments of panic.
Responsibility doesn’t come with certainty. We assume adulthood means making confident, well-informed decisions. But most big choices—career moves, relationships, financial decisions—come with uncertainty. Experience doesn’t erase doubt; it just teaches us how to act in spite of it.
We outgrow old fears but gain new ones. Remember being terrified of making doctor’s appointments or calling customer service? You probably handle that now without much thought. But new fears—career stagnation, financial security, aging—replace the old ones. There’s always something to worry about, which makes it feel like we’re still in a learning phase.

How to Cope with the Feeling of Never Fully “Arriving”

If adulthood is just an endless series of figuring things out, how do we stop feeling like we’re failing at it?

Accept That No One Feels Fully Grown Up
The first step is just admitting this is normal. There’s no magical “adult” moment. The people you admire? They doubt themselves too. Even the most successful, put-together people have moments of uncertainty.
Focus on What You’ve Figured Out
Sure, there are things you don’t know yet. But think about what you have learned. There was a time when doing your taxes, negotiating a salary, or parallel parking felt impossible. And yet, here you are! Yay!
Stop Chasing a Feeling of Certainty
We wait to feel ready before making big decisions, but that feeling rarely comes. Confidence isn’t a prerequisite—it’s a result of taking action. Most adults are just making the best choice they can with the information they have.
Laugh at the Absurdity of It All
Sometimes, the best thing to do is step back and laugh at the ridiculousness of pretending to be competent. If you’ve ever Googled “how to boil an egg” or found yourself calling your parents to ask how insurance works, you’re in good company.
Find Comfort in the Messiness
Life is never going to feel neatly organised. There’s no final “achievement unlocked” moment where you suddenly feel like a competent, responsible adult. And that’s okay. Growth isn’t about reaching a finish line—it’s about adapting, learning, and occasionally fumbling through things.

The Takeaway

That middle aged coffee loving dude who feels like he’s on the brink of adulthood? He is not alone.

We’re all standing there, looking around, wondering if we missed the memo on how to actually be an adult.

But maybe the secret is that there is no threshold. No one hands you a certificate saying, Congratulations, you are now a Real Adult™.

So if you feel like you’re faking it, like you’re still waiting to arrive—take a deep breath. You’re already here. You always have been.

And you’re doing just fine.

Until next time.

Jon "still playing at adulting" Kaye

P.S. My new single "I Keep on Driving" came out yesterday. Be great if you could give it a listen on Spotify. Save it to your favourite playlist and share it with friends.

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