The Problem isn't reality - It's You

For over 40 years, I’ve been a Manchester United football fan.

And for all of that time, I’ve had a simple expectation: they win.

That’s just what they do.

Growing up, watching Man Utd, I got used to the idea that every season meant trophies and losing was for the other team in Manchester.

Then reality changed.

The dominance faded, the trophies stopped coming, and watching United became an exercise in frustration.

But did I adjust my expectations?

Of course not.

I still go into every match expecting the same old United to show up—only to be hit in the face by the reality of mid-table mediocrity.

And every time, I get angry.

Every time, I’m disappointed.

Until one day, it clicked: The problem isn’t United (well, not entirely); the problem is me.

It’s the pictures in my head—the outdated, stubborn image of United still being the unstoppable force of old.

Expectation vs. Reality

Your brain loves to predict things. It’s how we make sense of the world.

We imagine how things should go, how people should act, how life should unfold.

And the more detailed that picture is, the more attached we become to it.

Then reality happens. And it rarely—if ever—lines up perfectly with that mental picture.

Maybe you expected your first date to feel like a scene from a rom-com, but instead, there were awkward pauses, weird restaurant choices, and a sudden realisation that their online photos were very generous.

Maybe you imagined your new roommate would be chill and easygoing, but three days in, you’re already at war over dishes left in the sink.

Maybe you thought your marriage would be smooth sailing, full of love and laughter, but now you’re realising that even the best relationships come with challenges, compromises, and the occasional argument over how to properly load a dishwasher.

It’s not that these situations are bad. It’s just they don’t match the fantasy version you had in your head.

And that’s where the disappointment comes from.

This Mindset Shift Changes Everything

So, how do you stop setting yourself up for unnecessary disappointment?

1. Recognise that expectations are just guesses. They are not reality, just your brain’s best attempt at predicting it.

2. Stay open to multiple outcomes. Instead of locking into one “perfect” version of how things should go, remind yourself that there are infinite ways a situation could unfold—and many of them might be just as good (or better!) than what you had imagined.

3. Observe rather than judge. When reality doesn’t match your expectations, resist the urge to label it as bad or wrong. Instead, get curious. What’s actually happening? How can you adjust and respond instead of just reacting?

4. Adjust your mental pictures. Instead of painting highly specific scenarios, try creating a more flexible picture—one that leaves room for surprises, imperfections, and real life.

Why Staying Open to Multiple Outcomes Actually Works

Psychologists have studied how rigid expectations can set us up for disappointment, and the research backs this up.

A concept called affective forecasting—our ability to predict how we’ll feel in the future—has been shown to be deeply flawed.

Studies by psychologist Daniel Gilbert and his colleagues at Harvard University have found that we tend to overestimate both the intensity and duration of our emotional reactions to future events.

In other words, we assume things will either make us happier or more miserable than they actually do.

This means that not only are our expectations often wrong, but the emotions we attach to them are exaggerated.

When we assume that a job interview has to go perfectly or a first date must feel magical, we set ourselves up for unnecessary emotional swings.

A more flexible approach—where we recognise that multiple outcomes are possible—helps us avoid this trap.

Research on cognitive reappraisal (a key strategy in emotional regulation) suggests that shifting how we frame a situation can dramatically change our emotional response.

If we go into a date, a new job, or a big life change with a mindset of curiosity rather than rigid expectation, we stay more adaptable.

This allows us to respond to reality as it unfolds rather than reacting to the gap between what we imagined and what actually happens.

The Freedom of Letting Go

When you stop forcing reality to fit into a pre-drawn mental picture, life gets so much easier.

You stop wasting energy being mad at things for not being how you imagined.

You stop blaming yourself (or others) for not meeting impossible expectations.

…and you start actually experiencing life as it is—not just as you thought it should be.

So next time you catch yourself crafting an overly detailed picture of the future, P A U S E..........

Remind yourself:

“This is just one possibility. Let’s see what actually happens.”

Because often, reality—messy, unpredictable, and unscripted as it may be—has its own way of surprising you in the best possible ways.

Takeaways

And as for Manchester United?

I’ve lowered my expectations (a lot!). I now hope for an entertaining game, a few good moments, and maybe—just maybe—a competent defensive performance.

And guess what? I enjoy watching a lot more now.

Until next time.

Jon "the Manc" Kaye

P.S. My new single "I Keep on Driving" is out next Friday. Be great if you could pre-save it using this link. You get a free pre-release download of it too. Let me know what you think?